He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
