I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
