I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
