No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
