I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
