Don't make out with my wife yet
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
