You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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