Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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