Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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