Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
