While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
