I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
