if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
