When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
