My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
