How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
