it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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