The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize