My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
