Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The Olympian is in my bed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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