u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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