That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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