drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize