so explain again why im purple
no
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
