someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
