KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
