Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
