Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm too high and old for this...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
