I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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