i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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