I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
