You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
