Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
