My room smells like vodka and shame
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
