he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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