Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
