Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
