We named our party play list daddy issues
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize