is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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