When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
