there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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