I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
