the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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