I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
