No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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