I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
