Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
