Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
