Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
