I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
