haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
