Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
