Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
