you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
