Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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