Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
