No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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