i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I smell stomach acid.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
