so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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