Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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