I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
