it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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